Meeting Your Children's Basic Needs

There are six levels of basic needs to be met before people can achieve the ultimate goal of setting personal goals and being independent.

Each level of basic needs supports the next — like the layers of a pyramid. If the needs at one level are not met, it may be very difficult to meet the needs on the next level.

All these needs continue throughout life. So it may take a lifetime for some of us to reach the top of the pyramid, be independent, and set our own goals. Some of us never do. It takes great patience, good communication, lots of love, and good luck. There are no guarantees. And we all make mistakes. Even very good parents need to be prepared for disappointments. But the harder we try to meet our children’s basic needs, the more likely our kids will reach their greatest potential.

Highlights

• Level 1 — Needs of the Body
• Level 2 — Needs to Feel Safe and Secure
• Level 3 — Needs for Affection
• Level 4 — Needs for Self-Esteem
• Level 5 — Needs for Knowledge and Understanding
• Level 6 — Needs for Beauty and Harmony
• Ultimate Goal — Needs to Develop and Pursue Personal Goals

Level 1 — Needs of the Body

We couldn’t live without nutritious food, clean water and air, and regular sleep. We also need to feel good about our bodies and our sexuality, and take pleasure in them. We need to give babies a sense of themselves, their sexuality, and their bodies from birth.

We make them feel secure or insecure by

• the way we hold and touch them
• the way we feed, wash, diaper, and toilet train them
• the tone of voice we use
• letting them feel comfortable with their bodies and emotions

Kids have healthier feelings if we do these things in a pleasant and caring way. It’s normal for babies to explore their bodies. They are quick to learn that touching themselves — especially their sex organs — feels good. If we yell at them or slap their hands, they may do it anyway — but they'll feel guilty about it. They may become ashamed of their bodies and sexuality. And they may not trust us later in life when they need guidance about sex and sexuality.

Level 2 — Needs to Feel Safe and Secure

We all need protection from physical harm and freedom from fear. As parents, we need to provide a safe home for our children. Our kids depend on us, and they often worry about whether we will always be there for them.

Often, we are the people our children fear most. How we deal with anger and frustration has a lot to do with how safe and secure our children feel. We must set good examples of love and compassion. When our children cause trouble or make mistakes, we must be able to

• be patient and reasonable
• keep the lines of communication open — to say, “I am so angry I’m afraid I’ll hurt your feelings. Give me a few minutes to calm down, and then we can talk.”

Our good examples help our kids express anger and frustration in healthy ways.

Here are some realistic goals for meeting your child’s needs for safety and security: I can provide a safe, comfortable place to live. I can provide a good model of self-control when I’m angry by taking time out to calm down. I can avoid using physical force or threats. I can take responsibility for my own emotions and offer support and consolation to my child, no matter how angry I am.

Level 3 — Needs for Affection

All children want, need, and deserve unconditional love. Children thrive on affection — emotional attachment, fondness, love, and devotion. Kids have a great need to love and be loved. They also need to know that they belong — and will always have a place in their families and communities, no matter what.

Children learn about affection from the examples we set. We show them how people who care about each other can get along with each another. We need to remember that children imitate what we do and what we are, not what we want to be.

Affection among family members increases their joy and pleasure in life. Kids from affectionate families are better equipped to cope with the frustrations and disappointments of daily life. They also can get along better with others.

Here are some realistic goals for meeting your child’s needs for affection: I can give my child unconditional love and physical affection. I can be a role model for loving, respectful, and caring behavior. I can help my child talk about, understand, and trust her or his feelings and needs. I can accept my child as an individual whose feelings and needs are different from mine. I can reward caring and affectionate behavior with caring and affectionate attention.

Level 4 — Needs for Self-Esteem

Self-esteem begins with receiving unconditional love and support — especially from our parents. Kids really want to know that they're "normal." We must teach them that it is “normal” to be different. Helping our kids feel worthwhile, competent, and normal will also help them develop respect for others.

Praise is the best way to teach self-esteem. We should praise honesty, independence, talent, effort, fair play, and kindness. Kids also develop self-esteem when we help them learn self-discipline and when we use punishment sparingly. We hurt our kids’ self-esteem when we ridicule, humiliate, or hit them.

Offering options instead of giving orders lets them become good decision makers, too. Begin with small choices — for example, ask if they want pasta or burgers for supper. Let the decisions get bigger as the child grows older.

Here are some realistic goals for meeting your child’s needs for self-esteem: I am more likely to give my child praise than criticism. I can reward positive behavior. I can use mistakes as good opportunities to provide positive learning experiences. I can help my child learn to be proud of her or his body, appearance, talents, and intellect. I can help my child take pride in her or his moral values, behaviors, and relationships. I can apologize to my child. I can offer my child reasonable alternatives, instead of just commands.

Level 5 — Needs for Knowledge and Understanding

Good parents provide experiences and opportunities that stimulate a child’s thirst for knowledge and understanding, which are essential for successful lives.

We must reward children with approval when they learn something new. We must provide daily opportunities for learning. Learning can happen anywhere, at any time. Children can learn from many different experiences, including school, hobbies, family projects, working and playing together, household chores, shopping, camp, clubs, movies, plays, concerts, sports, nature hikes, museums, trips, and other outings.

Here are some realistic goals for meeting your child’s needs for knowledge and understanding: I can reward my child for asking questions and support interests that are different from mine. I can provide information and support as my child changes and grows up. I can patiently help my child with homework. I can teach and play games with my child. I can let my child win. I can include my child in conversations with adults. I can provide my child with different social outlets. I can share the pleasure I take in art, music, reading, and the movies.

Level 6 — Needs for Beauty and Harmony

We all have a need for beauty and harmony in our lives. This includes music and art, the natural world, our moral and spiritual beliefs, our social customs, our cultural heritage, and an appreciation for positive, caring, intimate relationships with other people. They all provide us with a sense of balance and allow us to have hope for the future.

Here are some realistic goals for meeting your child’s needs for beauty and harmony: I can share my dreams with my child and encourage my child to dream. I can help my child appreciate the beauty of nature. I can create an orderly family environment that includes music, arts, and crafts. I can encourage my child to be creative — draw, paint, write, play an instrument, sing, or dance. I accept that my child will develop tastes and a personal style different from my own.

Ultimate Goal — Needs to Develop and Pursue Personal Goals

As parents, our job is to fulfill our children’s basic needs so they can become independent. When our children attain the need to set, pursue, and achieve their own meaningful goals, they are on their way to independence. We all reach this stage at different times in our lives — if we reach it at all. Some people never do. Unfortunately, it’s often a daily effort for many people to satisfy more basic levels of need.

If basic levels of need are never met, it is very difficult to progress to higher needs. Parents who have helped their children reach independence have good reason to be proud.

You can encourage your children to fulfill their needs to develop and pursue personal goals if you

• support independent decision making
• accept that the goals your children set may be different than the goals you would set for them
• accept that your children will develop meaningful relationships outside the family
• understand that it is natural for children to leave their families and that their relationships to their families will change
• understand that making poor decisions from time to time is a normal part of life
• offer love, patience, and support whether or not your children are successful in achieving their goals